St Peters RFC Cardiff Links

The Lighter Side

I	Thou shalt not hesitate at the breakdown, but be mighty to get your rightful ball; for though it is written that the meek shall inherit the earth, this truly was a poor translation. The meek shall be trampled into the dirt is more to the point.
II	Thou shalt not speak profanely of the Whistler, nor question the purity of his birth, even though he be blind to transgressions by devils on the other team at the ruck and the maul, and whistles them not.
III	Thou shalt not smite an opponent with a clenched fist, yeah, even in retaliation; for it is written that the Whistler and the Flag Waver shall assuredly miss the cowardly first punch, only to see the avenging second. Believeth that what goeth around shall surely cometh, and verily, evil men will be found at the bottom of rucks.
IV	Thou should not kiss thy teammate on the mouth when he scores; for such is an abomination unto God, especially kisses in tongues, unless you play football with the round white ball and thus it is expected.
V	Thou shalt not take the Word of the Coach in vain, for blessed is the Word of the Coach. Instead, wonder at his mighty wisdom and sticketh to His Game Plan, lest the Coach acquaint you with his disciples coaching in the lower grades.
VI	Thou shalt not chip nor kick for touch if thou be a prop or wear any jersey number below that of 7; for this is an abomination unto the Coach, and surely you will be His at training, perhaps everlasting.
VII	Thou shalt not run across the field with ball in hand, but runneth straight ahead upfield; for it is written that the touchline is the best defender.
VIII	Thou shalt not kick the ball to thine enemies unless it bounceth; for the Spirit of the bounce of the Ball may cause confusion unto them, and if thy heart be pure, make it bounceth back unto you.
IX	Thou shalt not pass the ball to a teammate about to be smashed by the mighty enemy, unless he owes you money, or has rodgered someone dear to your heart, in which case all is forgiven.
X	Thou shalt not vomit on thy teammates after the game, for this is unmanly, and they could do it unto you.

RUGBY QUOTES

Adrian Hadley

League is much, much more physical than Union, and that's before anyone starts breaking the rules.

Gareth Davies

We've lost seven of our last eight matches. Only team that we've beaten was Western Samoa. Good job we didn't play the whole of Samoa.

J.P.R. Williams

On Wales losing 28-9 against Australia: 'No leadership, no ideas. Not even enough imagination to thump someone in the line-up when the ref wasn't looking.

Bob Norster

Don't ask me about emotions in the Welsh dressing room. I'm someone who cries when he watches 'Little House on the Prairie.

Phil Bennett

Pre-game pep talk before facing England: 'Look what these bastards have done to Wales. They've taken our coal, our water, our steel. They buy our houses and they only live in them for a fortnight every 12 months. What have they given us? Absolutely nothing. We've been exploited, raped, controlled and punished by the English - and that's who you are playing this afternoon.

Ray Gravell

You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late.

Gavin Hastings

On Jonah Lomu: 'There's no doubt about it, he's a big bastard.

The Slap

Traveling in a train were an Englishman, a Welshman, a spetacular looking blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Wallaby had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1. The blonde thought - "That Englishman wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

2. The older lady thought - "This Englishman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

3. The Englishman thought - "That bloody Welshman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

4. The Welshman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that Englishman again."

FLASH GAMES

Penalty Kick Challenge 1

Penalty Kicking Challenge 2 (harder)

Rugby Game (Completely Addictive)

**Rugby Definitions - What rugby terms really mean!**

Foul Play - what the other side do. If your side do it, it's called ‘using your initiative'.
Ruck - informal, impromptu get-together for forwards and a few close friends.
Mark - if you can cleanly catch a ball kicked several hundred feet in the air within your own 22 metre line and call ‘mark' while the entire other side is pounding towards you intent on doing you damage, you can have a free kick. You deserve it.
Offside - a natural break in the play called by the referee every 35 seconds to let everyone get their breath back.
Advantage: The situation when a referee decides to allow play to continue and not blow for an obvious transgression immediately, due to a mistaken impression that it somehow benefits a team.
Blindside: The term used to describe the referee's inability to see a foul committed. Following a technique refined by former All Black hooker and captain Sean Fitzpatrick that allowed him to commit a foul usually in a ruck or maul at the very moment that the referee turned his back to check on the offside line.
Openside Flanker: It is this player who, when approaching the end of a Cup Final, assumes the role of Scrum Half and puts the ball into the scrum.
Calcutta Cup: Historically the game between the two strongest international representative Teams, England and Scotland. (circa 1871-1899) The title is now given to an annual fixture involving one of rugby's strongest nations helping to bring on a developing nation (England vs Scotland circa 2002)
Cap: Compulsory headgear bearing sponsor's logo worn at post-match interviews.
Conversion: The situation when an Englishman remembers that he's English after he has been ignored by the All Black/Australian/South African/Welsh selectors.
Disciplinary Panel: A meeting of between 2 and 3 former players who regularly convene in a Sky Sports studio in order to highlight incidents involving English players that the referee failed to spot. They then pass sentence and the WRU / RFU are then obliged to carry out the punishment “in the interests of sport”. (See also: Trial by Media)
Free kick: The punishment for lying on the wrong side of a ruck of maul.
Grubber: Mistimed drop kick from anywhere on the field.
Goose step: Change in running style from a sprint to high kicking in order to slow down a defender only to sprint once defender has slowed down. First used by David Campese when, sprinting down the touchline, he saw dogsh*t lying in his path and tried to avoid getting his new boots dirty.
Laws: Rugby has laws, not rules; therefore it is that which you have to disobey in full view of the referee in order to be punished.
Maul: Free-for-all brawl where the ball is kept in the air. See ruck (1).
Offside (as in offside line): an imaginary line passing through a ball without puncturing it.
Place kick: a defensive offensive tactic to prevent the scoring of tries.
Referee's Assistant: The role that is often adopted my a Mr Darren Sage during matches.
Ruck (1): Free-for-all brawl where the ball is placed on the ground. See maul.
Ruck (2): Accidental stepping on an opponent lying in an offside position.
Sidestep: a manoeuvre invented instead of falling over gracefully, often resulting in the ungraceful falling over of an opponent who simultaneously utters the technical term.... 'aah shit!'
Sinbin: a tactic used by some referees to increase their impact on the outcome of a game.
Trial by Media: The process by which Leicester players are singled out for committing acts of indiscipline that regularly go unpunished with all teams. This is often done purely “in the interests of fair-play”
Try: The verb used to describe what Welsh supporters do every after every match in relation to getting home.
Up-and-under: (an integral calculus term in rugby competitions) the inversion of global geographics - the southern hemisphere teams are usually ‘up', while the northern hemisphere teams are usually ‘under'.
Wing (1): Northern hemisphere - extra defender.
Wing (2): Southern hemisphere - top try scorer.
Prop: Front row position that has finally solves the mystery of who did actually eat all of the pies.
Sevens: An abbreviated version of the 15 man game. This shorter version is preferred by front row players as they invariably spend the whole game in the bar and not on the pitch.
Side Step: A manouvre whereby the attacking player attempts to avoid a defender my means of a brief horizontal, rather than lateral movement across the field of play. The side step has recently been adopted by some defending players as a means of avoiding serious injury when faced with the sight of a 16 stone dreadlocked Samoan running towards them.
Referee: Commonly these are failed players who still have a chip on their shoulder. The sort of people that even mothers might struggle to love. (see also: Media, the)
Rugby League: Version of rugby commonly played in the North of England. The teams consist of 13 players on each side. This is largely due to the number of wingers moving to Rugby Union, resulting in a player shortage in the Super League.

Booze and the Sheik

A Welsh rugby fan, a Irish rugby fan and an English fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia,so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Irish fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the irishman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the the Englishmen was soon led away wimpering loudly.

The Welsh man was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Welshman replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked. "Tie the Englishman to my back."

Gavin Henson, James Hook and Shane Williams are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Henson first he asks, "What do you believe?" Henson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the grim streets of Rhyl to the bright lights of Barry Island. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Henson the seat to his left. He then turns to Hooky, "and you, James, what do you believe?" Hooky stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Hooky the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to Shane Williams, "and you, Shane, what do you believe?" "I believe..............." says Shane "…….....you're sitting in my seat mate."

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered." The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says, "I prefer English rugby players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in an English rugby jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Q. How do you get four English rugby players on a bar stool?

A. Turn it upside down.

Ewan Price was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Ewan Price.

"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.

"It's for my wife."

"But why isn't she here?"

"She died."

"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"

"They've all gone to her funeral."

Three rugby players are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is a Welshman, one English and the other a West Indian.
They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations.
All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying, "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said.
"In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."
With that the Welshman raced past the doctor and bolted to the nursery.
Once inside he picked up a black infant with dreadlocks saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!" The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."
"Maybe", said the Welshman, "but one of the other two is English and I'm not taking the risk."

Did you hear about the English rugby player who was found dead outside a Pizza Hut covered in cheese, tomatoes, mushrooms, peppers and pepperoni?
Police reckon he topped himself.

A bloke from Cardiff is having a quiet drink in a Bar near Twickenham.
He leans over to the big guy next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear an English Rugby joke butt?".
The big guy replies, "Well mate, before you tell that joke you should know something: I'm six feet tall, 105kgs and I'm an English forward.
The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 115kgs and he's an ex-English forward.
Next to him is a bloke who's 6'5" weighs 120kgs and he's a current English second-rower.
Now, do you still want to tell that English joke?".

The Welshman says, "Nah..... not if I'm going to have to explain it three fucking times".

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